Ling Er

Owhz~~ it’s been a while.. perhaps i should say quite a long while… i dint post blog to fs. Change to Blogger ody.. hiakss hiaskss…

Been busy and lazy. That’s the reasons. Haha….currently i am on DIET!  I guess this is what most of the girl ever say… however my rules not apply to those who don’t care about their image, appearance and those skinny girl as well.

Well, at beginning of this year… i’m 58 kg!!OMG!.. for ur info.. i am 160cm if not mistaken.. or 162cm…  though my BMI is at normal range.. but for an athlete measurement i am obese!! oh man! i felt so sick to see myself at the mirror… will fats and pinples around…

However, my lastest weight for today(6th of Aug 09,according to my digital scale) is 51.3 Kg… hoo hooo~~ feel so nice when see the digit keep reducing from day to day… BUT… it’s not easy as the weight wont go down by itself if u keep eating and wihtout exercise…..

Say no to fast food.. try to avoid atleast.. drink water…. every 25kg equal to 1 litre of water… meaning that.. if u are 50 kg, drink 2L of water per day… but all depends on ur workload of the day too…. eat more exercise more… exercise more… drink more MINERAL WATER…. not soda… not tea.. or watever energy-boosting drinks.. try to record down what u eat…. u’ll know u are such a crocodile.. wahahah.. atleast i feel that when i record what i ate of each day… of cos… now cutting down to human food amount… ahahahahahhaahah

Eat like normal.. but stop when u’re no longer hungry. if u know that u taken heavy meals… then exercise longer in that particular day.. Dont drag!! so that the fats wont stick on ur body! weight urself once a week… try to set a target and achieve it… when u achieved it… pamper urself… not by food… maybe go for a movie or reward urself with a nice t-shirt~~

Anyway, i hvnt achieve my ideal weight that is 48 kg… if i manage to achieve the goal perhaps i will share more by then!! start shape out today!! stop sticking ur butt on the sofa or chair *^*. Lastly… if u start today or even now… u are on the way to say bye to ur fats and u are going to say hi to ur healthy body~~~~~ Gambateh neh!!

年轻的魔羯都是很单纯的。我想他们也不会知道自己将从天使变成恶魔。魔羯座的人天生善良，感情也都很脆弱，也许会因为一些很小的事情难过很长时间，所以他们通常在表面表现的酷酷的与事隔离的样子，其实他们只是不希望让别人看到他脆弱的一面。坚强，理智，承受是魔羯的代名词。

他们并不是很随便的表达自己所想，他们希望了解身边所有人的性格，并不是因为好奇，好像只是因为一种安全感，为了保护自己魔羯生出了一种特殊能力。魔羯相对任何星座来比能在最短时间看出一个人的性格无论他们在如何隐藏，这点很像天蝎但是他们却看不出对方的心。他们很容易就会了解到他们身边每一个人的优缺点，但是他们通常不会说出来，也不会太介意，所有的魔羯都很包容对方。请记得，如果有一只魔羯指出你的缺点那一定是友善的，虽然他们会用一种讽刺的口气来指出。

朋友（最喜欢装傻的星座）

魔羯的人都很没有安全感，他们喜欢在任何人面前装傻，这可不是一般的装傻能力，魔羯人聪明就在于这点。他们认为只有傻子在会不牵扯到任何伤害。与其做一个聪明的人不如当一个傻子平凡而又随意。如果不是值得魔羯相信的朋友魔羯永远不会让对方知道自己会有智慧，而无论安全与不安全魔羯对朋友都很真，他们很珍惜些朋友。他们最希望获得朋友的信任，如果从一个朋友那里得不到信任，他不会再与这个朋友交往下去。

  和魔羯接触过的人都会认为他们脾气很好，好的似乎发傻。其实他们并不是脾气好，只是他们很会装。因为他们了解身边的朋友的所有性格，所以他们在包容对方。就算你做了什么过分的事，他们也早就想好考虑好对方为什么会这样做的原因及可能性。最明显一点，你们可以去看看身边魔羯的朋友，无论你怎么做那些魔羯都不会很惊讶的。他们其实已经知道你为什么会这样了。魔羯的交友观也很随便，他们可能会和贵族很好，也可能会和乞丐聊天，一切的一切只是心灵的交往。很少有魔羯会有势力眼，除非你这个人品太差了。

感情（超级白痴）

魔羯的人傻的可以，他们并不了解爱情，他们只知道爱的感觉。对于他们任何感情的表达都是一种感觉。他们很认真的感受每一个感觉。大部分感觉都可以一个人去感觉，但爱却要两个人。傻傻的魔羯一开始会认为：爱你是我自己的事情和你没关系。可是到后来感觉越来越不是滋味，于是开始对对方表白，表白成功后却不知道如何走下一步。也许是太不浪漫在作祟，魔羯的人可能会拿任何事情开玩笑，但在爱情方面只要他说出’我爱你’或者谈到将来结婚的话题，那么他绝对不是在开玩笑。

魔羯很物质。但是这点和金牛处女不一样，他们的物质表现在爱上。他们认为给所爱的人带来无限的物质的就是最大的幸福。因为他们很自卑，唯一能用自己努力获得来的就只有物质了。当自己努力地去让自己所爱的人幸福的时候，自己所爱的人却因为其他的其他离开了他们。到最后自己却不明白自己到底做错了什么，真是可怜的家伙。

22nd March 2009… 3.30am..

It’s such a long time i din’t update my blog due to 3 months National Service, took my SPM results and my own laziness.

I was awake by my hp vibration (Maxis). Not sure whose msg came in. I borrowed my sis my hp after i reloaded about 5 or 6 hours ago. Her simcard spoilt so i lent her my maxis number so as my hp.. Cant sleep dy..that’s why i am typing here….

National service..PLKN..

Most of my friends n relatives asked me: ” is PLKN fun? “  My most general answer: ‘ FUN’… Actually went thr i dint train much except for the last few weeks. We had marching n obstacle competitions. I were choose to join marching competition. Our training usually will carry out on 6.20am til 7.10am. Continued by 2.15pm til 4pm. Then 5pm is our time for Riadah. Sometime our ALPHA teacher will take the opportunity to train our marching again. However,we trainned so hard but we got the last place. Female team. Aiyok.. menyasuaikan… THE happiest thing in camp is i managed to make a lot of new frens (AH JO GANG) and ying ying so as the others. I also managed to touch netball again and won the first runner up. But sadly some of the competition started when i was hving CNY’s holidays in Kuching so as netball.. aiz.. No matter how.. my ALPHA company had won the 2nd place. * in camp got 4 companies- ALPHA, BRAVO, CHARLIE,DELTA. I get darker after the NS and I DID NOT GET THINNER. even got also 1 kg. minum one bottle of water oso can gain back lar~

SPM Results…

Well… I got 4Cs 1B and 6As. ( Chemistry-C6,Biology-C5,Physics-C5,History-C5,Add Math-B4,BC-A2,EST-A2,BM-A2,Moral-A1,BI-A1,Math-A1)This is average results. Alang alang kiap in the middle. aiz…. My Lou dao said..why dont u get 4As enough.. then can terus go work..no need decide either go further study or work.. Now, 4 options. 1st, TEACHER. 2nd,BEAUTICIAN. 3rd, ACCOUNTANT. 4th, 跳飞机. The forth options will be work outside m’sia.. Mostly australia.. n its very risky. I dont want to be a teacher… left 3 options… stil dunno how to choose.. maybe at last will go for the third one… will see….

Friends…

lately my laziness reli make me neglet my friends a lot lot…J1,J2 and J3… Well,J1.. we are stil in contact.. just messaged her yesterday night after i reloaded..then my hp being borrowed.. J2.. out of camp terus got her msg dy.. memang best~ J3… only received fs msg when i was in camp… now no contact liao… aiz.. expected~ Han han dunno buat apa de.. maybe same like me.. be a pig at home… Linda at KL.. too far..no msg from her… if i were to msg her.. scare disturb her pulak.. Ah Jo gang ler..hmp… hardly hv news dy… bo bian~~

What else… oh… now i’m 18 liao! hmp.. time to get the best shape of myself.. 3months from 57kg to 50kg… u think possible? i think so.. but use mind to think memang very very easy~ but do? walao eh… my determination~~这次靠你了！must must reach target b4 giving up! NVR nvr nvr give up!

i think i changed jor after came back from NS camp… but dunno whr…. become lazier i think… aiz.. in thr ur life is being arranged properly..though boring but thr are bunch of ppl doing the same things.. wont be so boring.. now at home.. freedom.. but mentally reli torturing… reli sien liao!

time to sleep time to sleep….cannot be panda~~ moro slimming programme start~ jia you jia you!

now ody 2.30am..

lack of time dy… i got to sleep..

just now went to drink drink with fren… drank jor one tin of beer… feeling hot.. not drunk gua.. dunno… sweting bit bit.. feel bit sleepy..

but stil wanan blog.. many ppl waiting me to repy hp msg..aiz.. busy nyer..

later! finally!!! fanilly!! i get my dad come back home to send me.. get my mum to send me too! i asked them go breakfast together!!! yesh!!! finally one family can makan together!!!!! even i will die.. or what so ever.. no feeling of sigh~~~ hopefully later can sit together.. eat together! must! i dun care!!

friends~~ i will miss u guys!!!!!!!!!! miss very much!!! wait for CNY.. i will be back!! wanna fool with u guys again~~ i had a fun nite~~~ thanks to u beloved Kni boy~~ being our driver! date us out!! thanks so so much~~ thanks linda for ur early birthday present oh!!! muaxz!! han han..no worries bout my present k? a birthday wishes will be enuf!! CNY hope to meet u guys again!!! Lesley.thanks for joining too.. so as chen chen~~ ben, ah siong.. will meet u guys in camp soon!!

hardly think of what i wanna write..pening dy! so sleepy~~ just wait me! wait for my transformation!!!

for frens that wished me good luck and so on..thanks for caring k?? all the best fro u guys too!!!

got to go sleep loo~~~~ miss me yea my frensss!!! muackzzz!!!!!

I hate u..because u accuse me..

I hate u..because u bluff me..

I hate u.. because u betray me…

I hate u.. because u cheat me..

I hate u.. because u misunderstand me..

I hate u.. because u fool my feelings..

I hate u.. because u dun appreaciate me..

I hate u.. because u dun trust me…

I hate u.. because u being a double face..

I hate u..because u spoil my image..

i hate u..because u forget me..

I hate u.. because u ignore me..

I hate u.. because u hurt me…

I hate u.. Because u let me feel unsafe..

I hate u.. because u dun hv faith in me..

I like u.. Because u are cheerful..

I like u.. because u are friendly…

I like u..because u are straight forward..

I like u.. because u are responsible…

I like u.. because u are mature..

I like u.. bacause u are protective..

I like u.. because u are gentle..

I like u.. because u are understanding..

I like u.. because u are caring..

I like u.. because u are sincere…

I like u..because u are talkactive..

I like u.. because u areconfident..

I like u.. bacause u are trustworthy..

I love u.. because…. u are u…

I love u.. beacause…I love u..

I love u..because of love…

There’s no reason why i love u..

U want i hate u ? or like u? or love u?

Hmm… relationship thingy memang complicatedz… Currently am in single state.. actually in single state ody 2 years..

I got boy friends before. Somehow I dunno why I will have bf. Somehow i never say accept ppl..The reason why i will be ppl gf…mostly.. the guy tell the public that i am his gf..Then tried their very best to stick to me and made the ppl around misunderstood. By then the rumours started, the guy involved will just tell those busy body or rumours spreader he is my bf. I am sux in explaining by mouth… when ppl come to me and asked.. i will be shocked n dint deny the rumours at the mean time. By then.. public will declared him as my Bf. Another reason is.. I easily get influenced and get brain washed.. once the guy have many supporters and the supporters are ppl around me or ppl i reli care… DAMN it.. once His supporters brain washed me. and keep pushing me to the guy…and the guy are daring enuf to take every opportunity he had to take action.. I will dunno what to do. For example.. the guy may just grab my hand or grab my sch bag and drag me to class. By then.. ppl automatically declared him as my bf. And til now i dun reli have a plan that can fight against these type of guys. Those guys are just muka tebal enuf and know my weakness very well.. But for now.. I WONT LET THE SAME CASE HAPPEN ON ME AGAIN.. becos i hate it!

Somehow now recalled back.. I think i am stupid enough for not standing up n speak out the truth..I should hv tell out the truth eventhough i have to spoil the guy image… I am sux when come to reject ppl.. i’ll just avoid.. But for now.. guys who chase me.. easy.. I will just tell them i am Lesbian. Leave me Alone! I mean for those lalat which are damn annoying.. For some.. i try my best to avoid to be in contact with them. Like that after some time they can just forget me and go for another girl~~ huhuhuhu.. easy Job~~ But meet tiok those setia one.. aiyokz… Sakit kepala.. Don’t ever chase me and chase til my house and shout my name loud!! damn hate it.  So rude. That day i just being hunted. The guy went to my house with his fren. Kept calling me through phone. Shouted my name. Oh gosh. I dint pick up the phone. Damn so panic n scared.. I crawled on the living room floor to my room. Actually planned to hang out with my sis. mana tau..kena hunt..My sis cant stop laughing at me and told my mum bout my ‘hunted process’. My mum kept teasing me bout it.. damn u guy! I think i am very pathetic.. to being bullied by younger boy…no.. is being hunted like that. Isssh.. sh!t u..

Currently.. erm.. nope..shud be this year July.. i figured out that i can actually reject guys by telling them i only interested with girls. In short, les. Cos even u tell them u dun like them.. they will not satisfied and ask u to give them a chance or what so ever. Ody said Dun like bah! Then i say i want stay single only.. seems like they dun understand oso. So the best way~~ ahaah.. ”I am les” simple, short and easy. I guess i used to this method and it is very EFFICIENT. somehow some dun blif. So i did some homework. I started to know some L frens.. to make fren with them. Trying to understand them. Some are Bi.. Some are real Les… Then one qn come into my mind.. Are their relationship valid? erm.. i cant find the word to describe (my vocab limited. sorry).. or shud i say is such relationship (girl to girl or boy to boy)(same gender) legal?

Somehow in general most people treat Les as abnormal. Why is it so? According to one of my fren. She said Lesbian or same gender relationship thingy is very ‘rubbish’ and it goes against all the religion rules. I not sure about it. But i clearly remember what she said. But why ler? Is it becos from the past til now, our nenek moyang say that lesbian is abnormal? But how bout the female has lower status than male issue?? from the past..in general.. Male status are higher or more important than the female.. and now.. female and male have the same status. Is it just time’s matter? or human mindset? maybe after few hundred years later Lesbian and Gay will be considered as normal? who knows?

Maybe some religion.. or all religions againt same gender relationship is becos they need to ensure the human continue to reproduce, to ensure human does not extinct. Reproduction need female n male co-operate in order to sucess. So far i can only figure out this reason. But stil.. not a prefect reason. Cos a male and a female be together and get married… they not necessary will hv a child. Then can they counted as go aginst the religion rules oso??? If ur answer is no.. Then why? why same gender relationship is declared as abnormal.. declared as go against the religion rule? maybe they just bit more selfish.. dun want contribute to this world(born baby).. is their choice right? can anyone answer me?

I believe that all of you want to find your true love in life. A person that u like, u love to be with.. to be together.. to live together.. to share hapiness and sadness together.. to hv a accompanion… The true love..only u urself will know she or he is ur true love or not.. What if u fall in love with a same gender partner? Becos u think that u wanna be with him or her for the rest of ur life.. to spend the rest of ur life with…Then just becos ur nenek moyang said same gender relationship is abnormal or go against whetever rule.. u turn to a oppose gender? give all the rest of ur life to face someone who is ‘legal’ to be with u but not ur true love??? will u do that? but most ppl is doing so…

As for me..to be in love…mostly we can dun care about age, appearance and so on.. why not just add another one in, gender ? As for myself, i am girl. If i feel that i hardly trust guy.. and i feel that girl is more caring and sensitive and more responsible.. then why don’t i just go for a girl.. is that wrong?? to like the same gender which care bout u.. to love the same gender which give u assurance.. to be with the same gender which appreaciate u a lot… To spend the rest of ur life time with someone(same gender) u trust and can rely on? is that wrong?? If it is wrong.. then why some countries accept same gender marriage??kinda confused sometimes.. i need answersssss!

For me.. love is something holy.. pure…beautiful and wonderful…hardly describe it.. maybe sometime hurtful? i not reli sure bout it.. Just that i know love or like.. these kind of feelings cant be controlled. Once u can control.. the feelings will not be love or like. Becos u r just controlling the level of dislike in u towards a person. Sounds confusing huh? i oso think so….

Anyway.. to write this post.. my main purpose is look for someone that can give me answers towards my questionSSS.. at the same time.. i dont wish that people keep criticise same gender relationship. Who knows? one day u’ll fall in love with the same gender. Well.. u can say u never will. Make sure u say it out loud.. and u said it.. u do it. I guess same gender relationship wont harm anyone..(my own opionion)…. But i do trust it annoys some ppl.. ppl who are more “old-fashioned”? can i say like that? or their mind is more strictly stick to their nenek moyang one…  no offend… just speak out what i think…

somehow i do trust they are many questions cant be answer.. just like.. Chicken appears in this world first or the chicken eggs first? What do u think? But i hope my questionss aren’t that hard to answer. If u happened to read this post.. wanna shoot me.. wanna support me… or anything.. just leave me comment.. i welcome very much alright? somehow i know it is bit sensitive issue.. But then i just wanna figure out more… dun mean to offend anyone…

Oh yea.. before i forget… currently i read a post bout Islamic girls. IF NOT MISTAKEN.. they are not allow to dress up like guy or act like guy… I feel that this is so ridiculous! They have their freedom to wear what they feel comfortable! Some girls are naturally born as’ Tomboy’.. Go study the Biology form 5 text book… one of the disease…aiks.. i forgot the name of the disease.. Even girls dressed up like a boy.. acting like a boy.. doesnt mean that she is Les alrite? get ur mind clear and stop looking ppl with ur colour spec on! And in this 21st century.. girls are not necessary to depend on guy to survive…

mind so messy rite now… cant think of a good ending…. just end here first…

14 more days.. time for National Service.. Wat I busy lately? SPENT $$$.. buy all those stuff needed to go for NS.. Reli spent jor quite an amount.. so sien..

My hair… cut jor again(11.12.08).. mum asked me cut.. I reli get influence easily.. get brain wash easily by my mum..now boyish style.. TB look… but i dun want to be one.. i not suit… i do miss my long hair..sobz..

Notice that sometime i can really crazy… Stress really can change me i guess.. Once stress i can just cut jor my long hair without second thought.. but now holidays not reli stress.. Cut jor hair.. just like my heart get scratched like that.. hate to look at myself in the mirror… not like me.. Actually thinking of pierce my left ear… but I don’t have the courage anymore…that time stress..sekali tebus two at right ear.. aiz….. so sien of Jocelyn’s style!

My 18th Birthday (5th Jan 09).. Lou Dao bought me a china phone.. N95.. so so lor… not sure how much.. but memang stylish geh.. thanks lou dao. muacks. Then my mum ‘bought’ me presents.. which is my lastest hair cut now.. even i dont like it..she sponsored… and she bought me a black long pant which i chosen oso. She said like that next year my birthday present settled jor. Alritez..thanks too. owhz.. another present is from miss Linda.. She came my house help me tidied those old books..without her i guess the books will be stil at same place without moving.. Thanks oso noh.. Actually i prefer the usable present… i dun reli like those thing for display.. cos i cant use.. dunno put whr display.. and will get dirty very easily… hard to jaga… I want ang bao.. i want a ticket that can get me out of kuching… I want a facial treatment.. I want spa.. I want clothes(Boyish style).. I want accesories (cool necklace, ring, ear rings, bracelet, necklace) .. I want a puppy with its house… I want wallet.. I want shoes.. I want a birthday party.. I want pillow… I want..many many things i want… i am greedy.. sorryz..somehow i want a simple bithday wish from ppl i care… I want accompanion only.. expect too much only will let me reli down by the time.. dun want think bout it dy..

aiz….many frens fly here fly thr.. ready to get started..for their study.. but me.. stil blur blur..duno wat i want ody.. life without direction reli scary… I cant.. I’ve to earn lot lot of money.. to feed my parents..to buy them a house.. car.. to feed myself..if i dun want to get married.. i will reli hv to strive hard.. to earn money feed myself… go travel the world… aiz….. who can let me rely on? teach me what should i do or atleast give me some options for my next direction?

What i want actually hor? sometimes reli get pissed off becos of myself..cant get an answer… I mean the target in my life… so messy…Actually I do wish to find someone that can be my *compass*…just let her or him decide the directions.. then i go..ikut bulat bulat nia…ahahhahaa…siao eh… tapi reli wish for someone like that..someone that i can trust and rely on.. Are u asking me to find a BF? If yes then my asnwer will be dont want. What if i say i like girls? why?? Dunno? maybe guys make me feel scary.. feel not trustworthy.. not reliable.. Maybe girls more caring.. more sensitive… But sometime too emotional… ahahz.. mao dun qin…If i were to make fren or trust a fren.. i will chose a female lor.. Guys..aiz.. siam nah… no offend.. just my own problem… swtz arh…

FRIENDSHIP.. i owes got prob with it.. I dunno why..maybe i too self-centred.. maybe i too lazy.. lazy to handle it..maintain it nicely.. just like my mum.. tiada kawan pun..even with family.. she oso not close geh…my lou dao pula in contrast..like to make fren a lot.. i got many many frenss..but those who reli can understand me..reli reli..less n less…aiyo…dunno… maybe is my prob.. i dun like to share much prob by telling out from mouth.. tau type aje…cos telling ppl my prob is like wanting them to console? an wei me.. or kesian me..or what.. i dun like…. dun want cos ppl trouble…..dun want annoy ppl by my own prob…

Todayz met a TB fren(Jing) which introz by winnie.. i think i had become daring.. to meet ppl that i dun reli know. But stil okay..becos she Jing is girl.. though tb look.. hv a nice chatting with her. Went to drink oso. Talked a lot..but forgot jor what ody..Then knew that she knew my another fren too (vicky) though not so close ody.. feeling that sometimes the world can be just small.. by linking ppl together.. at the same time it’s huge…Just now the moon was so much pretty and obviously seen.. enjoyed.. Nice meeting u Jing..Hope that we can become close fren.. As i said i like to hv J friend as close fren.. what a coincidence.. u r J too… if u dint mention it.. I oso dint notice.. ahahz.. i am lagging..paiseh.. bkn sengaja lar.. tp dah lama sik ckp ngan org by mouth… all by type or talked trough phone.. So my reaction was kind of slow and stucked stucked.. hope u dun mind.. Thanks for the malays song too..

two more weeks.. got to go NS loo.. sendiri coundown… kena mar go nia lor.. maybe a temporary leaving can give me more space…stop me from my current lifestyle…maybe can stop me from worrying… worry what.. worry bout my future.. my relationship.. frensssssss… maybe he 3 months can totally change me to another direction? who knows? get me back to my normal pathway.. or another new pathway…

b4 this.. i kept thinking bout death.. what if i dead jor… but my conclusion is i wont be dead so easily.. cos i think i belum clear all my hutang.. hutang my parents too much.. dunno how to pay pun.. macam mana nak mati? now mati jor will be very irresponsible.. aiz.. will pay habis baru die.. i am selfish.. tough i m youngest at home.. i wish i am the first to die.. cos i dun want to experience the pain.. seeing ur beloved one die.. i m selfish..very very…

this post kinda messy.. dunno what i writing pun..aiz.. end this end it…

I…. now listening sad songs.. thinking how to express my feelings by word…actually plan to post blog right after SPM…but the feeling not right.. no words come into mind….

Finished SPM on 27th November 2008.. At night.. I went to cinema watched TWILIGHT with my frens( K-ni,Linda Han han)… We were late for the movie..I dint reli enjoy it. The cinema full.. noisy.. the subtitle cacat…n etc… After that we went to Petanak area see agua.. One quite big size.. wear singlet..saw our car swing her long messy hair tim.. But i not interested lar.. paiseh..

Then come to PLKN thingy AGAIN!..haiz.. Will go on 27th December 2008 until 11th March 2009 at KEM PUNCAK PERMAI,BAU. I was little disappointed when see the camp is so near to Kuching. Since ody selected, why not go further.. away from home..atleast away from Kuching..use car cant reach de that type.. Now say near not very near.. say far not very far.. stuck in the middle… wat a tourment.. toturing man!…want go home pun tidak.. dun want go home pun tidak.. aiz… Then got to go medical check up… hvnt go.. need to test urine… test blood…so mahuan~Go mar go lorr… come bah~ BBQ me!!

After SPM..after PLKN.. is my holidays.. Now holidays less than one month ody.. stil got 20 days only!!! feel like crying.. just becos of this short holidays… make me no mood to do housework… do wat oso bo xim.. feel like alang alang.. shud hv more time.. sux holidays! want go work oso cant.. want reli relax oso cant! want go KL oso cant! Lou DAo!! i reli reli tao yan ur janji kosong!! wish me die thr.. no need come back! i want u regret forever for keep giving me janji kosong!! i hate it!!! Promised jor.. cancelled jor.. why dun u say u will bring my to new zealand? to hong kong? to paris?

after that…is frens.. sch frens… net frens..

Han han ler.. i not reli sure wat she reli wanna study… but i am sure u hv a better plan than i am.. atleast ur own family can stil support u… ur bro oso expert.. sure can help ur family a lot..no worries..

K-ni [Hamik shi PRO!!]..this kenny boy.. hmp…now stil in Sabah.. will go form 6 rite? i sokong u geh~~ wish u can reli serious in study f6 lor..maybe end up we might meet in f6… cos i dunno wat’s my plan yet.. wish ur result good good nah..last year can go out of m’sia study mar.. all the best! hv faith in PRO!

Linda arh..this gal.. I know u fly to Kl on 6th Dec..actually i plan to join u go KL. but then i know u this time go thr is to get use to KL transport n ur sch everything..Taylor… the sch i wish for.. but i dun think i got $$$$.. ahaha.. so u got to study hard hard o! help me study in thr mar.. haha..i cant go… sobzzzzz.. Dun stress k? relax.. i reli reli wish to meet a Pro doctor Linda in future.. maybe i hv to wait quite a long time.. but i hv faith in u too! u r serious in doing things.. can geh! owhz!! one thing!! time time! must change ur lewat de style wor.. cannot owes let ppl wait.. Better is we wait ppl..dun let ppl wait us alrite?But i dont mind to wait u… wait u become a pro… i hv patience for that.. alot..Wish u all the best alrite.. Even til the end u change ur mind, i support u too!!

J1… her msn got prob..hp oso got prob.. hardly contact with her.. many ppl tot she is my bf.. ahahaha.. but she is not..She is just good fren. She is not reli L? Bi? i dunno. I just know that she is a fren that care bout me. But then we maintain our frenship in such a weird but intimate way til ppl misunderstand.. But now getting further.. i am not suprise.. not sad.. no! i am sad for that.. though i know this is going to happen.. now i try to use to it.. yea.. i will n i must use to it… even the end is….FORGOTTEN… just time’s matter… i will be just fine..

J2… eeehhppiiee birrddaaee.. she now reli reli seldom contact with me… i online very often lately.. saw her sign in.. i will ask myself not to click on it…even i miss her.. i dun wish to disturb her… she will find me when her brain hv time or space to think of me…Just knowing that she chasing someone.. i wish u luck…wish u can achieve watever u want… just best wish for u… even til the end i will be forgotten.. but i will owes remember how we noe each other.. our conversation…our happy chat time..maybe is mine only.. that time ur work is almost killing u…i knoe that. haha..i am glad that i know u… if i happen to find a partner that i can rely on.. i wish the partner will hv attitude like u… just straight.. just talk..just play.. i feel vey zi zai to chat with u… being who i am..take care my fren..

J3… went to melaca met her dear.. i think almost forgotten me dy.. but today received msg form her.. she applied to go PLKN camp as trainer.. wish that u can be selected… teman me noh.. but…if cant… aiz… i guess u will forget me very soon… the 3 months…enuf to forget me this unimportant frenz… anyway…i hope this wont happen… all the best for u too alritez?

then come to my alien dear.. this girl ler..oso straight straight geh.. know her from fs too..her style got bit like J2.. lately quite good with her.. she got bf oso..owes hear her story geh… owhz.. she teach me diet…give me recipe… i try my best to follow.. til now..not reli eat food.. i hope i can get the disease.. ‘yan shi zheng’..which is hate food… ahaha.. no need eat… til i dead jor ahahahahahah…jkjk… thanks alien dear.. but she owes berfoya foya geh..here dear thr lao gong  here sweet heart.. thr… dunno.. banyak nyer..nvm lor.. i guess is better let me know than u cover cover geh…ahahha… as long as straight forward to me then ok.. hmp.. thanks o!! for the diet plan.. glad to know u!! wish u sweet sweet with ur bf…

My ‘gan die’ which is my foster dad? fan zheng is gan papa.. he is feng shui shi.. suan ming shi.. n so on.. HE IS PRO… He said next year my nasib will be very tiam.. if go out from home or country… not shun li.. not smooth? dangerous… In addition i easily get accident… easily get injured.. prone to accidents n bloody injuries… n my mum say next year i hv to avoid driving!! many not good de things nah…. many of u might say dun blif such things.. i oso wish i can dun blif… but there were lot lot examples that make me blif in feng shui.. in suan ming thingy.. life? live examplesss…i hardly explain by words oso… aiz….watever…i treat it all as suprise in my life~

I wish n i hope.. If any accidents that are faithed to be happen on me.. God.. just take me away alright? i beg You! But dont torture me and my family. I dun wish to be burden to my family.. Just dont alang alang..

So sick so sien so hate myself!! my brain keep thinking of leaving this world only…keep thinking of death… but somwhow the more i wish…. the further it goes away from me…. aiz..sot eh… siao eh….

is 5.20am ody..time to sleep looo~~~

1我要告诉你我喜欢你！

猫很嗲。猫喜欢一个人的时候会很直白地到他眼前去喵喵叫。而且不屈不挠地跟着他走。蹭啊蹭地。让人知道：哦，原来它很喜欢我啊。而我们要是喜欢一个人的话，是先要在心里藏很久的。有勇气说出来的可能会成功，没勇气的则可能遗恨一辈子，N多年后才对月长叹：当初怎么就没告诉他呢？ 让我这一生都不幸福。

2 感恩

如过让它上床，只要一踏上柔软的床边，它就开始满意地打起小呼噜。如果你抱抱它，它就把头靠在你的手上眯着眼睛舒服啊舒服。我们每天睡在宽敞舒适的大床上，吃各种自己喜欢的东西，却还是要喊世界亏待自己。

3 上完厕所懂得收拾

学会用猫砂盆后，它每次都要把自己的排泄物用沙子仔细埋好。拿鼻子闻来闻去，确信没有味道才离开。这可能是对自己做的事情很负责的一种表现。我把这里弄臭了，我就要把它收拾干净，不让别人来代劳。不像有些人，自己弄出一个烂摊子，却要别人来收拾残局。

4 捉苍蝇

如果不是亲眼看见，很难相信猫会对只苍蝇那么感兴趣。大有要吃掉而后快的意思。如果不是阻止的快，它肯定把苍蝇吞进肚子了。我们咧？是不是也有勇气把那些很恶心的事情吞下去，然后忘记呢？

惭愧~~~~~

6 Nov 08..

i woke up 3am.. try to learn History.. nothing goes in my mind.. bit angry.. nervous.. helpless.. so i online.. chat with some net fren.. talk nonsence.. waste my time.. i chat til bout 5.30 am.. I drank one cup of Nestum around 5.. a piece of biscuit too.. after 5.30.. i offline. Listen to song.. i force myself study with a pillow in my hand.. after 2 page.. i started feel sleepy.. i msged Her.. my J1… owes forgot.. then will wake her up early in the morning.. sorry sorry sorry sorry.. then asked her sleep back.. feeling lonely n sad.. continue study til i fall asleep on study table.

Around 8.. i went back to bed. Woke up around ten. Awake by myheng dai denis.. asking weather wanna go library.. i was tired.. (yesterday swimmed for bout 2 hours) hand pain tim.. so declined jor.. plus.. bit fever fever..

i woke up.. trying to study Bm notes.. end up dunno what the book talking.. F**king hate Bm.. sucks story stil want me to memories the nilai..persoalan.. plot.. siao eh! then throw book aside.. Online again. chatted with denis n some net fren. (Xue, Leongfun, Amy,Lin..) Asked my heng dai send songs for me. Avril song.. curently like the song entitled Innocence.

My sis kept saying hungry. i said i hvnt eat my lunch.. after Washed dishes.. iron my dad clothes.. i went to shower.. planing tohang out with sis to eat.. but not reli got appetite.. half way.. just before i went to shower.. my sis prepared garlic bread for herself n her Bf.. she asked her bf come n take the garlic bread.. Her Bf gave her something too( food) dunno what to call that.. but just sth like Dim sum..

around 2.30pm…. at home stil .My sis kept asking whr to go.. wanna eat what? i REALLY REALLY have no idea.. I was annoyed by her same questions. Then she suggested Anutie’s Corner (a cafe near to PBK..3rd miles) and some places.. Her bf lives somewhr near to the cafe.. so i just replied:” Cincai, go whr oso can” then she ignored me. After get in car.. she suddenly asked me go where again. I was pissed off that time. i just refused to answer. Then she tried to talk to me, saying that is hard for her to decide whr to go sth like that. I ignored her. ( Its rude i knoe. but my heart was thinking.. dint u decide to go Anutie’s corner?) so i dint reply her. She called up her bf.. Her bf suggested a bakery house.. near to Auntie’s Corner too. Then she straight away drive thr.

when we arrived, we just get in..CAkes.. breads… all dry dry thingy.. i was thinking..(eat what? no appetite.. somemore dry dry thingy.. reached here liao.. must eat something if not , dint beri muka.my sis sure mad.. so pressure..) I stared at the foods for atlest ten minutes. Her bf arrived. Then they ordered things. They talked talked thr.. and i was standing thr dunno what to do.. feel so cham, teruk..then my sis asked me what i wanna eat.  I saw sandwitch.. then i ordered that. But.. so damn malang.. they dun hv. They only sell in the morning. Then my sis asked what i wanna eat again. that time my head was about to explode . need to rethink again what to eat. i dun want to drink..

i dint answer my sis.. just give her an “dunno” espression. She was annoyed by me again i guess. Feel so sorry.. serba salah to spoilt her mood. Then 3 of us looked for a seat. after sat down..Her bf kept talking to her. Both of them chatting thr. I dunno what to do.. and yet the table is so small.. i sit thr like being a bulb.. kinda pressure n i dunno why i was about to cry.. my eyes were wet..  i keep looking outside to avoid eyes contact with my sis n her bf.. i was sitting opposite them. so susah to tahan my tears.. then i try to hv a deep breath silently.. calm down~ when i calmed down.. i talked to my sis: ” I go home first har. ( trying to smile)” then i quickly rush out.

my tears reli drops when i get out of the shop.. on the road.. and thr’s passer by.. i stop myself from crying.. i walked to Autie’s corner.. Odered coffee plus milk and Sausage Twist roll that i used to eat thr. I sat along thr.. Blank.. saw a cat.. when my food came.. i feed the cat my sausage.. n i do ate some. The coffee..damn pahit.. no sugar added i think.. i just drank half.. after finished feeding myself n the cat.. i walked to wash my face near the kitchen of the shop.

My face is so ugly… hate to see in the mirror which is provided at the washing sink. then i walked home..  i walked damn slow.. was putting blank.. the air blew hard..  messing my hair…  at first i try to make them tidy..but til the end..dun care at all.. feeling my front hair covered my eyes.. walked under the sun n strong wind.. cars passed by…

many thoughts pop out.. Spm coming.. i pulak walking outside waste my time.. shud be eating happily with sis but walking home alone… i was thinking the car accelerate so fast.. if i just suddenly run to the middle of the street… then will i gone? but thinking of Spm.. thinking of KL.. thinking of her.. frens.. family.. I tell myself dont do that.. keep walking…  some cars honned me. i Hate that.. hate to see those guys with their WOLF expression! and i think they are gay! cos i wore a pant with t shirt.. walking like a guy. suppose to see me as a leng zai walking mar..  or the way i dressed up stil look like a gal? watever..

when i was about to reached home.. took out my two hp.. 2 missed call from dad in Maxis number.. 1 missed call in Digi number.. i msg my dad and tell him i was walking.. anything? then He called me up.. Asked mewhr am i.. why i behaved like that??? i silent.. i dunno how to answer.. then i slowly reply.. i just finished eating..walking home.. he asked why dun go back with sis with a fierce toned.. i was shocked.. then i said she busy with her bf.. i dun want be bulb. then he baru replied.. too fat hia? walked home? want exercise? i said yea.. yesh.. then he said: bo shu lar hor? (nothing happened yea?) i replied: en. Then hang up.

just after my dad called to my maxis number.. my mum called.. same question again.. where are u… i said i walking home. why? she replied someone said i dint go home. i replied : am reaching home..” she replied: oh… then we hang up the phone.. then i received msg from my bro.. ” whr r u”

 owh gosh.. wanna cry… suddenly throw me with so many caring….. but.. v the condition i am lost… i was thinking.. if i dont go home today.. what wil happen? but i dint.. cos i hv no place to go. I passed by my fren, Linda house.. wanna find her.. but scare disturb her study.. so walked home…

walked home saw my sis.. dint talk.. i terus go to my bed… release tension… ate 3 flu pills… wanna sleep…. but cant sleep… ..

now.. blogging.. wanna wanna wanna … dunno what i want anymore…. LOST!